Domestic Violence Dynamics

all about abuse articles

Red Flags

Do you trust yourself?

I believe that instincts reveal the signs of danger or apprehension if only we will believe what we see and hear.
There are many red-flags in any abusive relationship. I have heard the biographies firsthand, with the abuser’s acknowledgement that abusive behavior was justified at the time for whatever reasons.

Now we know that abuse is not justified and that we are supposed to trust our instincts, the two reactions that abusers try hard to teach their victims not to have a clear view of.

The Red Flags List!

Extremes in behavior . . .


Unlike a normal

give and take beginning . . .


  • Jealousy: In the beginning this would come across as a sign of love. In reality it is insecurity and possessiveness.
  • Controlling Behavior: Concern is the word often used, but it quickly becomes evident that freedom of choice and respect is going out the window.
  • Quick Involvement: In other words going too fast in a relationship. It takes time to get to know someone, jumping ahead into intimacy or living together is often out of pressure with abusers.
  • Unrealistic Expectations: They become dependent on you for all their needs. Starting off as “Your all I need” will turn into, “It’s your fault”, because no one can be everything to anyone.
  • Isolation: Every moment can be filled by the abuser, this can become habit during the “Quick Involvement” stage and before you know it any relationship with friends or family is considered as interfering. This can go to the extremes of moving to an isolated area, not allowing transportation or having a job.
  • Blaming Others For Problems: It is possible that accountability is not in the vocabulary of abusers. You tell me!
  • Blames Others For Emotions: Extreme emotions are used as a tool for manipulating their partner, work environment and family.
  • Hypersensitivity: Easily insulted, angered, they can rant and rave about injustice done to them over matters that are just a part of life or accountability.
  • Cruelty to Animals or Children: 60% of People who abuse their partner also abuse their children. Seen and not heard is taken to the extreme. They may expect children to do more than their age can understand or be capable of, including not respecting age appropriate entertainment. Can be cruel to animals and even be insensitive to their pain or suffering.
  • “Playful” Use of Force in Sex: Holding down a partner during sex, showing that rape excites them, wanting or demanding unnatural sex acts. They may manipulate having sex while their partner is ill or sleeping and use sulking or anger to manipulate them into compliance.
  • Verbal Abuse: Saying things that are meant to be hurtful and cruel. Running down any accomplishments, making things up and twisting events to suit them. They may also cause a fight to suit their own purpose, such as an excuse to leave without communicating with their partner.
  • Rigid Sex Roles: They expect their partner to serve them and obey them in all things – even things that are criminal in nature. They see their partner as inferior, stupid and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
  • Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Sudden behavior changes that is not some mental problem. Emotion and mood swings are typical of people who abuse their partner.
  • Past Abuse: Saying that past abuse with others was not their fault. Watching a movie may bring out a remark that shows their true heart towards women and violence. They do not volunteer this information, usually.
  • Threats of Violence: Threatening to hunt you down if you ever leave. A fist raised, doors slammed, loud intimidating behavior.
  • Breaking or Striking Objects: Such as breaking your possessions as a punishment, used mostly to terrorize the partner into submission. Puts holes in walls with fist, knives or guns.
  • Any Force Used During an Argument: This may involve a person holding their partner down, physically restraining them from leaving. Pushing, shoving, slapping or hitting.

The last 4 red flags listed are almost always seen if the person is an abuser. There may initially be only a couple on the list that are evident but they are in the extreme. Protective behavior can turn to control yet in the beginning of the relationship it felt secure and was even justified in some way. However, there is that instinct again telling you that something is not quite right. Is there unbalance in the relationship? Do you find yourself saying he will change? Do you find that you will do most anything to please him, things that you would not normally do?

The Bitter Truth Blog

Learn the news about domestic violence